New job and the end of a long spell of unemployment
I’ve been unemployed for two and a half years. Well, that’s half true - I quit a shitty job to start a shitty business, which I worked on for two of those shitty years before giving up on it. Somehow, that was even worse.
I got chased out of my last job by the people working there; they didn’t like that I had a German spouse and didn’t like how much time I spent in Germany. It was quite heartbreaking when I found out I had been the subject of numerous complaints made to management by my colleagues. The way the management dealt with it felt more like an ambush than a discussion. It was resolved that I could not work remotely as much anymore — something I had negotiated in lieu of a salary increase — which cut down how much time I could spend with my spouse. I carried on for six months feeling pure unadulterated anger toward the people I worked with, the company I worked for; it felt like they had entered our home to become spectators to our lives. After a while I couldn’t countenance it.
When I quit, I gave them as little notice as possible. Right before the rollout of a new database system. My leaving probably set them back about a year, and it was very satisfying to know this. I still cried on my last day before I left, because deliberate destruction is not in my nature. Some old colleagues still kept in touch to see how things were going, but after the breakup of my business, I needed to cut them off and start again on my own terms.
I actually did that with everyone else I knew in my old life before I was unemployed. I somehow felt observed by them. As if they were waiting for the next big disaster to gossip about. I found out friends I’d loved for years turned out not to think a great deal of me at all. In fact, they considered me as an in-joke. Tolerated and liked, but never truly allowed in. That was a damaging realisation and it took a long time for me to make peace with.
Luckily I am a lot better these days. I’m re-integrating into the workforce with a careful eye on past mistakes. I’m careful about who I get close to.
This is unfortunately what every young person believes: the world is meritocratic and people care more about results than attitudes. This is categorically not the case.
A Chinese proverb for any first-time office workers out there: learn to stay quiet and you’ll make a fortune.
What I’m especially looking forward to about my new job is the delight of a monthly salary and a decent pension scheme. In the past I was more interested in impressing the bosses with the foolish hope they’d let me ascend onto their team, but my only motivation for showing up at a job these days is the expectation of being paid. That’s all.
I got my new job after a stint as a temporary worker. I managed to define myself as competent and unflustered, making it difficult for anyone there to take an issue with me by reducing the amount of times I speak to people — but it wasn’t easy to achieve this. Nonetheless, I still heard some funny rumours about myself - that I used to work in a bank, or was a senior person seconded into the role from the Quality Assurance department. I liked these rumours because they’re much more flattering than the reality.
As for my friends… I don’t feel any urge to go out and find stand-ins. No urge to replace what I lost. I don’t want flimsy pub friends. It would be nice to have some mates to smoke with, but I don’t need that connection as much as I used to. I’d rather have penpals than those kinds of friends.
What I’m yet to figure out: is that really maturity or is just a negotiated withdrawal from the world? I don’t know, maybe it’s the latter posing as the former.
Either way — I’m much happier now than I ever used to be. Though, ask me in six months what I think of my job and maybe it’ll be a different answer!